Halloween Retailer Spirits Opening in the Nearby Abandoned Big Box Before the Kids are Even Back in School
Crass, arrogant, not totally shocking.
Allergy Season
Why suffer needlessly through sinus headaches, AK-47 sneezing jags, and coughing fits when you can call in various markers in order to secure a full shelf of over-the-counter cough syrups, merrily whiling away the fall in a narcotized stupor?
School Supplies
And – oh, snap – you don’t even have to use any of them! Just buy some, then spend the period between now and Thanksgiving gazing at them longingly as they gather dust on your end table.
NPR Pledge Drives
Make you wanna put a boot through your radio. Makes on-air talent want to hang themselves. Makes silence seem like an exotic blessing.
Leaf Piles
Why rake when you can burn responsibly?
The Entertainment Weekly “Fall Movie Preview” Issue
One of four weeks in the year when your author will shell out for Entertainment Weekly, then almost immediately regret the purchase.
Prestige, Awards-Baiting Cinema
Let’s be real, here; there will be crazy empty seats to choose from when you queue up for Gone Girl.
Spearing Crab Apples with Pointed Sticks, Flinging Them Hither and Yon, Fucking Up a Stranger’s Car or Having the Neighbors Rat You Out Before You Can Fuck Up a Stranger’s Car
Um, never mind; that was part of my adolescence. Kids today are probably too busy texting to kill time this way.
State and County Fairs
Pre-game heavily en route, and you might just be able to maintain the illusion that you and everyone who came with you is having a fly time.
Fresh Apple Cider
Gimme.
Fresh Network TV Pilots
Best to treat ‘em like booty calls you can take or leave – that way, you won’t be too crestfallen once they’ve been swiftly and mercilessly canned.
Fresh, Unjaded Wait Staff At Your Local Chain-Dive Haunt
It’s not like you could even remember their predecessors’ names, anyway.
Gettin’ Fresh
Depends wholly on the situation, the etymology.
Not Having to Use the AC All of a Sudden
Kinda depressing.
Local High School Marching Band Practices at 5 AM
Who even needs an alarm clock?